musin'

One of my New Year resolutions was to start a new blog and keep it up. It’s now May and I have made an impressive three entries. The moral of the story: Don’t make New Year Resolutions. They suck. This is not to say I haven’t started any entries. I have - many times. I’ve had ideas. I’ve even researched a couple of ‘themes’ but I get bogged down in the detail and then it starts to feel trite, mundane and I give up. I think a good personal blog is a fine combination of opinion, random thought and domestic details. Some people have an extraordinary ability to make their everyday existence, even if not markedly different from my own, a joy to read, and I would like to be one of these people.

The inability to continue the blog is just an extension of a lifelong problem. The belief that whatever I have to say is not as interesting or valid as someone's elses words. The fear that what I have to say is stupid, and people will judge me. This belief has kept me silent in primary, highschool, university and in the workplace. I never offer an opinion, an original idea and agree with pretty much everyone, including all opposing arguments. “For God’s sake Huff..don’t rock the boat” it whispers. "ok..good idea" “Oh and don’t blaspheme”. “Sorry God…sorry Dad” . See what I mean. I once analysed myself using Google as an evaluative tool, and the term “people pleaser” came up. Urgh. I usually Google personality disorders on people I don’t like. So I don’t know what that’s saying.

But there’s been a rumble within me. It’s been with me for a couple of years, but ever since I turned 40 last June it’s been getting louder and louder. One day I might just snap. Hopefully it won’t come to that. Hopefully I’ll just turn into a proper grown up. But it’s like the scales have been lifted from my eyes and ears have been unblocked. (I think I might have lifted that from the Bible). It has taken me this long, but I’ve suddenly discovered something – other people are not necessarily more interesting. They may be more articulate, but what comes out of their mouths is just as likely to be a load of bollocks, no matter how beautifully phrased.

How funny. I didn’t mean to write the above to paragraphs at all. I was just going to say that I am going to take Gretchen Rubin’s advice from The Happiness Project Blog and try and write more frequently, because the longer you leave something the harder it gets to do. And I’m not going to worry if what I say is interesting or not. Thank you to Sarah Wilson from Sunday Life for referring me to Gretchen Rubin. I’m addicted to Sarah Wilson’s column..even though at times she comes across as a little bit smug.